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Post by rhinosix on Apr 10, 2008 22:51:55 GMT -5
Hi, I'm new to this site and to the forum. My brother, CPT Lowell Thomas Miller II, was KIA in Iraq on August 31, 2005.
Although it has been almost three years since his death, it still haunts me. I often have dreams of him and in those dreams he doesn't realize that he is dead...even though I do. My worst dream is that I'm trying to find his grave in Arlington and I can't. I always wake up crying. Despite the sadness of the dreams, I hope that I do dream about my brother just so that I can see him again. I've realized that closure is never possible...you simply must figure out how to live with that absence created by the death of a loved one.
I am currently an active duty Army officer (followed in my brother's footsteps) and have found that reconciling his death with my military duties has become a moral dilemma. During my tour in Iraq, I had a very close call and ended up in a hospital for awhile. My parents and my brother were worried sick and we all thought that I had dodged a bullet (no pun intended). Since then, my family had been so worried about our safety in the military. Shortly after my return from Iraq, my brother volunteered to deploy. He died leading an Iraqi infantry squad on a raid. The moment that my parents had prayed that would never happen came to fruition.
After my brother's death, I made the decision to stay in the military for some unexplained reason. Perhaps I felt that he would have done the same. He was more of a warrior than I am. I know eventually that I will be faced with the decision to deploy again. I want to finish my brother's mission, but at what cost? My parents would be crushed and I would cause unnecessary pain to my family. Plus, I have a wife and kids. Do I owe more to them or to my brother's memory? Also, how do I remain a leader in the Army if I don't fight just like everyone else?
Well, anyways...that's my story. I haven't been able to talk about this to anyone. My military peers are not comfortable with discussing this as hits too close to home and makes them acknowledge their immortality. On the other hand, my family and other civilians may not understand the call of duty over myself.
Well, in a way I feel better for just having posted this.
To all of the other siblings out there...I'm very, very sorry to have met you under these conditions. But, I'm comforted knowing that I am not the only one.
Patrick
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Post by melissa on Apr 11, 2008 22:23:40 GMT -5
Patrick,
first let me say I am very sorry for the loss of your brother. He will be remembered as a hero in my eyes. ALso thank you for protecting my freedoms.
My name is melissa from Indiana I lost my brother in Iraq in september 07 i still have nightmares. and am now seeing a thereapist. took me quite a while to admit that i needed to. but when my depersion started to affect my family life and work life i new i need help. i am very happy i found this board and this group. it let us know we are not a lone. I remember feeling so alone. my mother in law was at my house shortly after i got the call from my sister. And she tried to be here for me and my family but just didnt know what to do. she has listened to my cry and vent but she really didnt know what i was going through... or still going through.
when my brother deployed my baby was only a couple of months old.. he was my older 2's idol.. they love there uncle and they are always saying that that they are going to join the army to take after there uncle cuase he is a true hero. but my baby it breaks my heart that he isnt old enough to remember his uncle.
when we were getting ready for the funural i realized i didnt have one picture of my brother holding my baby... how horrible. i was beating my self up over this... and i still do.
we are here for you.. vent cry or what ever ... we are all people that understand what each of us is going through.. we all have a special bond. a bond that will never be broken.. a bond that we will share for ever.
Karen the founder of this group is amazing. she has done some awesome work. and is always here you.
hope to see you around. melissa proud army sister of cpl Keith a nurnberg kia 09/05/07 RIP
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Post by melissadev on Apr 12, 2008 8:17:55 GMT -5
Patrick,
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Post by melissadev on Apr 12, 2008 9:17:00 GMT -5
Patrick, Listening to you tell the struggles that you are going through are all too familiar. First of all let me say that I am so sorry about the death of your brother. Losing the loss of a sibling is far more painful than I believe people understand. So many people asked me to take care of my parents and my sister in-law when my brother died. They told me that I had no idea what they were going through. While I know that they on some levels were right ,I also felt that in some way ... they were making me feel as though I didn't have the right to grieve as they did. I needed people to take care of me. Losing Josh has been devastating in every aspect of my life. Like Melissa, my brother was also the guy my children looked up to. My 13 year old son gave the Eulogy at his funeral. I just don't think people get it. His wife is trying to move forward and I feel like it is my responsibility to keep him alive.... will it ever get easier?? I don't know. This is my new life now. The life I had before will never be the same. I can't watch the nightly news because it puts a ball of fire in my stomach... but I also feel like I should know and be involved in what is going on in our country because after all my brother gave his life for that right. I am a stay at home mom to three kids.... I don't even like to change the trash and like you I had thoughts (for an extremely brief period of time) to sign up with the Marine Corps. As if I wouldn't be laughed out of the recruiting office, But seriously... I felt as if there was something I needed to prove... or maybe it was revenge... I don't know. I feel for you because I can see the struggles that you are having and I "get" them whole heartedly. The only advice I can give you is this. I truly do not believe that my brother had any idea that losing him would poison our family the way that it has. I know that he loved us dearly and if he had any way to change what has happened... not for himself .. but for us... he would do it. He would never have wanted to put us through the pain that we are in. I know that as a man you think differently than women do...and you are also in the military so you have that aspect that also adds a whole different thought process... and pressures. But if you were my brother, husband, father , or son.... and our family had gone through what yours has... I would be doing everything I could do to keep you safe at home. My son talks of joining the marine corps daily. He wakes up before school and immediately turns on the military channel. I feel that he feels that he has something to prove. That his uncle wouldn't be proud of him if he didn't make the "ultimate sacrifice". I tell him everyday that both his grandparents and I could not do this again. We couldn't even handle the stress of his deployment. Although I am so proud of my brother I also can't help but feel that his "ultimate sacrifice" wasn't about just losing his life...it was ultimately sacrificing the well being of our entire family. Obviously you need to do what you feel is right... I am so relieved to know that there are other people out there who understand what I am going through...and I hope that this in some way helps you to feel the same...
Melissa.... The only thing else i can say to you is "Ditto" really....I get everything you are saying. For me its not even just about losing Josh... Its about losing Josh in a war. That adds a whole new dimension..... anger... frusteration...desperation...anger..... anger...... anger..... I want to let that go.... I know I would be much better off.... but how....I hear people around me argue about politics and I want to kick and scream and jump up and down and throw a fit like one of my kids.... My mother has people in her office actually try to have political debates with her....and i think what is wrong with these people... how insensitive... this woman pulls herself out of bed every morning and goes to work with her heart in a billion pieces... I look at my niece and nephew and think... they will never feel their daddy's hugs.... they will never know how in love with them he was...we can tell them.... but they won't feel it. I do dream of him. 3 times to be exact. Each time it was him trying to communicate with me. He knew he was dead... and he was trying to let me know he was still around. I even hugged him and I remember thinking this feels so real ... is this real...I don't know if it was something spiritual or if it was my brain just trying to give me some comfort... but i cling to it. I just cant believe that he is really gone... I feel like i just saw him... and in reality it has been almost 2 years. I did do therapy for a bit... but no matter how many times I asked they couldn't manage to bring him back form the dead either. He was so "gung ho"... he had so much training...How??? How did this happen to him??
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Post by yellowrose on Apr 30, 2008 18:28:16 GMT -5
Hi, everyone. This is hard...I had to ask if I qualified as a GSS b/c my brother didn't get the honor of dying in war fighting for his country. However, he was killed by friendly fire. My brother took leave to have an elective surgery to help his sleep apnea. He is Army, but he worked for DFAS in Dayton, Ohio, and got to live on Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. His surgery took place at WP Medical Center. The surgery went fine. I flew to Dayton to care for him. A co-worker and I picked him up from the hospital and took him home (WPAFB). Before he was discharged, the nurse applied a 75 mcg/hr Duragesic patch to his back. We got to his place around 15:00 or 16:00, he died a maximum of 12 hours later. He went to sleep and never woke up. I found him. I don't know how many of you have ever found someone dead. I had only seen a dead person in a coffin. My brain exploded. I knew what i was looking at, but it just didn't compute. I called 9-1-1. The paramedics came. I heard the dreaded, "What religion is he," and his death became real. Because he was young (41), died on a military base, and there was no apparent reason for death, they surrounded his house in crime tape, watched my every move, constantly questioned me, and wouldn't let me back into his room where his body was. My parents called and the paramedic had to tell them. I couldn't. I was sent to care for him and now he was dead. This is such a long story and I can't go on right now. He died from acute fentanyl intoxication. The medication he was given should never have been an option. It is contraindicated for anyone not opiate tolerant (he had been on morphine only one day) and post surgery. There had been 5 warnings that were issued in the months before his death explaining that it can cause respiratory depression and be fatal if administered incorrectly. The manufacturer sent out a warning in June 2005, the FDA sent out warnings in July 2005, the United States Army Medical Material Agency issued 2 warnings in July 2005, the Institute of Safer Medication Practices sent out a warning in August 2005, and the DoD Patient Safety Center put a warnings in its Hot Topics section for the Sept/Oct 2005 issue of their magazine. The medication was prescribed October 21, 2005. So far no one has been held accountable for his death. The doctor was promoted 2 months later and we learned that family can not sue the government for non combat related medical malpractice. I was outraged to learn that criminals and illegals can sue for medical malpractice but not active duty soldiers and/or their families. We have not received the official death investigation report, but we heard from a DoD agency (another story) that one group of doctors thought the doctor did not follow the standards of care but a second group thought he did!!! Excuse me??? How much more could have been done to alert the medical field about the potential fatal outcome of prescribing fentanyl incorrectly??? He absolutely did NOT follow the guidelines for prescribing opiates for pain. Furthermore, his state board does not think it has jurisdiction to discipline him. They are the ones that issued the license that allows the doctor to practice medicine. The military is just the location of the job. I have been working with the Institute of Safer Medication Practices (ISMP) regarding the lax use of fentanyl. Fentanyl should not be the first pain reliever prescribe, should not be used after surgery, and should not be use by anyone who hasn't been taking opiates for 7 days. Fentanyl is 100 times stronger than heroine! To add insult to injury, the lowest dose that can be prescribed is 12.5 mcg/hr and they still recommend the patient be carefully observed if not opiate tolerant, and my brother was given 75 mcg/hr (6 times the recommended initial dose). Fentanyl causes respiratory depression and my brother had sleep apnea and a swollen nose and throat from surgery. Duh! The ISMP now uses my brother's case as a real life example when talking to pharmacists, doctors, etc. I have managed to get my brother's death on CBS Nightly News, the front page of the LA Times, and CNN. Those stories were related to the improper use of fentanyl/fentanyl patch. Now I am working with VERPA, Inc. (Veterans Equal Rights Protection Agency) to get Congress to amend the Feres doctrine to allow suits against the government for non combat related medical malpractice. How can our service members have rights taken away simply because they are serving their country? With no accountability, there is no wonder that there are problems with military medicine. CBS did a story on Carmelo Rodriguez that has sparked a lot of interest in the discriminatory Feres doctrine. You can read/watch it if you go to CBS.com. So for the past 2 1/2 years, I have been an advocate for various wrongdoings which resulted in my brother's unnecessary death. Some of those things are coming to an end, can't go any farther, and now the grief is really starting to surface. I haven't gone to therapy b/c I didn't want to break down my strong resolve while I was in contact with various media. I needed to keep my head on straight. I think I am coming to the point where I need to do something. I consider this group to be a step in the right direction for me. He was my older brother by 5 1/2 yrs and my only sibling. The future that I envisioned has been ripped away. I had to watch my parents bury their child. I know I am rambling, but there is so much more to say... And just think, I gave you the short version ;-P
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Post by melissa on Jun 12, 2008 10:17:27 GMT -5
hello and welcome. Of course you belong here. My name is melissa. And your brother is a hero in our eyes. YOu belong. we are here for you. if you ever need anything please let me know.
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